I always write about how blessed I am and I truly mean it each and every day! I was an only child, I always wanted ten brothers and sisters but my mom couldn’t have more children so I was it. So I chose to make my own family with my friends, I have had friends since childhood that I still speak to on a weekly basis.
I knew all of my friends were behind me when I decided to get divorced, hell they were lining up to help me move out! They wanted to see me happy, my old self again so to be able to have a party in my new home and have friends come in from all over it is amazing!
I remember I loved to entertain but we couldn’t be loud, we didn’t dance , it was a dead atmosphere and afterwards I wished I didn’t even do it.
But this is a new life and this will be a party that I want to throw with people I want to be with , people who don’t care if I curse, if I am loud or tell dirty jokes for these people know who I truly am and in spite of it are still my friends!
so once again I will say I am blessed and I am so grateful!
Being single after twenty four years is definitely a trip! But I am trying to look at everything with a open mind and trying to step out of the box (okay not in the Christian Grey way!) Just getting out and meeting new people and doing new things.
I have mostly been in long term relationships all my life, I am a one man women and I love being in a relationship. So for me online dating had some getting used to like the fact that 90 % of the guys want to “hook up” (new dating term for one night stand guess they think it sounds better!)
I am not the “hook up ” type so realizing that was a eye opener, also the guy who wanted me to spank him, the one into whips and chains (and no he didn’t look anything like Christian Grey, please!) And the one who decided he should meet my girls after one date(yea right buddy, delete!)
Then there are the ones who seem like they are into you but then back off only to come back with a vengeance then dissappear again.
What is up with that? Step up or step back ! In or out … pick one!
Hell we are adults here not in middle school what’s with all the games?
Have I missed something here? All of a sudden with the computer and text messages everyone suddenly has balls the didn’t have before saying things they would never dare say to you in person!Look I am who I am, take it or leave it doesn’t matter to me I am who I am the good the bad and the ugly, I’m not changing for anyone anymore.So I guess this is going to be my learning curve in the “new”dating scene bit I will not put up or settle for being second place, not number one or an afterthought, I believe in fairly tales, happily ever after and the prince sorry I will never change and you know what (okay I will wait till you stop laughing) I visualized all of these wonderful things that happened to me in the last year don’t think this wont come to past!
I had my best friends in from my home town, New York this weekend, it was great to see them and hang out.
Years ago we were the “party” we stayed out late and drank all night only to come home take a shower, go to work and start all over as soon as work was over.
Well for me those days are long gone, besides having kids which cuts your partying days off completely, I choose to live a healthy lifestyle, I am up at 5 am every morning at the gym by 5:30 I work out for an hour and a half , I eat egg whites with whole wheat toast no butter, I eat grass and trees, brown rice, turkey and chicken nothing ever fried, I ride my bike, I mediate, do yoga, I even joined a gym on vacation ,hell I did a triathlon! I am in bed at 10 pm too tired to keep my eyes open. I choose this lifestyle, so when my partying friends are here, I let loose, hell I am human! But this trip I realize I cant stay out till 4 or 5 am downing shots all night , and unless your a gym rat , you cant understand my living like that. I need a detox from one weekend, I feel like shit, my stomach is killing me , my body hurts and my head feel like its going to explode! Yet here it is 6 am and I am here at the gym, this is what I choose, how I choose to live , I cant explain it to anyone, you have to be a gym rat to understand this lifestyle.
I will still party with my friends when they come down just at my pace and with the knowledge I will feel like crap for the next week.
But you can guarantee I will be at the gym on Monday!
There are times when I have undying, blind faith and then there are times when I am human and have doubts, worries and fears like everyone else. It is through those times that I pray even more, when I was in my darkest days, I still gave thanks and I still had faith even if some days it was as small as a mustard seed.
I was still grateful, I still felt blessed, I still prayed for others and their needs even as I could hardly get up in the morning, even as the pain in my heart sometimes were so overwhelming it felt like I couldn’t make it one more minute. I still prayed, I still was able to see Gods grace and mercy and I knew that he had great plans for me, that I had to hold on till they came.
Last night at church my Bishops sermon was about this and how big was your faith. I am human and yes I am scared sometimes, how am I going to do this? Can i really pull this off? That women comes back the one who let her ex control her and let his cruel words of how she could never do it, that she was nothing without him and how she was stupid whisper in her ear. On those days I need to be in church, I need to pray more, I need to praise to know that I will be okay. All I need to do is pray and let God worry!
The quickest way to lose focus of your dreams is to keep looking back at your past. People have had things happen to them in the past and they cant let it go, they constantly are looking back saying “they did this to me, that happened to me that’s why I can’t do this or that..” they can’t seem to let it go.
look you cant drive the car forward if your only looking in the rear view mirror right? Same thing in life , yes things happen in your life happened, for some of us it was really bad (in my writing class, I was reading a chapter of my book which we do every week and when I was done someone asked how much of this horrible childhood did I make up, I replied “I couldn’t make this shit up” then they asked how to I keep so positive when I had all this happen in my life , my answer was “I am grateful for being alive and all that has happen has made me who I am today, I look at at the bright side every day that is what I choose” I refuse to be a victim, I am a survivor and the reason for my being to to be able to tell other’s my story and to give hope to them to never stop believing .
so I look forward, I refuse to dwell in the past, the past is only there so that I may have a testimony to let everyone know what Gods grace and mercy brought me out of.
Every once needs to find their own path to joy and peace, as much ad you want to help others, ultimately it is up to them to take the first steps to change their lives.
You have to first be sick and tired of being sick and tired , then you have to have the willpower to say no matter what I am going to do this , it Doesn’t matter what life throws at me in the mean time, I am determined to do this. You then have to change your atmosphere, you might have to change your hang outs and even friends who are keeping you down, yes it will be tough I will tell you but how bad do you want this? Anything is possible if you want it bad enough. Make sure you don’t for the right reasons don’t change to try to please anyone else, yes they say sometimes a man wants wants to be better because of someone special in their lives , that’s great but you have to want it for you first and if it makes it better for that special person in your life, bonus!but not to get them or keep them because you feel there has to be more than this?what is my purpose?am I all that I can be? Do I have joy in my heart ?is there peace in my life? These are the tough questions you must ask yourself and then you must have determination, , preservation and faith to know it can happen and I promise you , you too can find that peace and joy you are looking for.
When I moved out I took nothing, I wanted no reminders of my old life and the pain it caused me , I was determined to start fresh literally.
I made a deal for 3000.00 he got it all, every piece of furniture in the house, now most people would say “you got ripped off, how can you furnish a whole house for that” I on the other hand thought I got the better end of the stick, because if I would have sold all the stuff of craigslist and had to split the money with him I would have probably come away with 1500.00 at most. We all know used furniture goes for penny’s on the dollar.So I did what I always do when facing a obstacle I focus and I am determined, I went to every yard sale, consignment place, and called more craigslist ads then you can imagine!
But as I always say I am blessed and I got my whole house furnished including new mattress for less than the money I got. Now did I have to put some effort into it yea, hard work and sweat, I sanded, I painted, I recovered but now that its all done, I proud of all of my hard work and effort. I have my own unique style and and flare.
it says beach casual, laid back and comfort with elegance and it also says freedom, peace and joy , new beginnings, new life and most of all new me.
so yes hard work pays off all the time, remember faith without works is dead.
There were many days when I wanted to quit, days when I prayed I wouldn’t wake up, days that I so wanted to end all my pain and suffering, but didn’t because I couldn’t imagine leaving my girls to be raised by my ex.
I wanted to quit, I really did but something inside some small hope the size of a mustard seed kept saying just hold on, just believe it will get better. I read books on positive attitude, the secret, if you believe it , you are it , you name it I made a vision board and some days as I folded laundry and cry because I hated my life so much I would look at them, close my eyes and see myself , strong, independent, surrounded by people, places and things I loved and it would get me through that day , sometimes, only that hour but as Aa says even if you have to do one minute at a time to get through, you do it.
I had a friend come by last night and as we sat around in my new home , I was relaxed, it was confrontable, I wasn’t worried about criticism or coldness that use to be there when I invited someone over , it was mine and I am truly happy, what would have happened if I would have quit? None of this, none of all the more blessings that are going to keep coming , so don’t quit , go minute by minute if you have to but don’t quit!
Last night I had a mini reunion with a group of friends from high school who now live in the south Florida area.
I grew up in a small town in upstate New York and you knew everyone, somehow even coming from a very small town we had very open minds. We grew up with single parents, gay people, transvestites, inter racial couples, you name it but we were a loving community that accepted everyone , now back in the late 60s and 70s and living in a small town was rare! Most of us went to kindergarten through college together and stayed in touch even after that.
I have been blessed to have the same friends since elementary school and with the invention of Facebook have been blessed to reconnect with many others.
I am an only child so for me my friends are the family I choose for myself and I am a loyal and fierce friend, once you are my friend you will be my friend for life, call me a 4 am I will be there, a shoulder to cry on no problem I am here, there is nothing I will not do for you, you are my family and that is that!so during my marriage I didn’t keep in touch with a lot of people, it was hard enough trying to act lie everything was alright there was only so many times I could act that good and it hurt me to remember such wonderful times in my life and know how horrible my life was now, it would remind me of that girl I no longer was.
As I started to find myself I started to reconnect and these friends reinforced in me that yes I still was the same girl just with more wisdom and stronger for surviving all I went through.
These friends were there for me encouraging me , helping me standing behind me when I didn’t think I could do it!
So when I have these mini reunions I know how truly blessed I am that I still have this great group of childhood friends that know what I am talking about7t when I say “the well” “Dillion hill” or “bungalow colonies” , they know who is the cop on Broadway or the pizza parlor I don’t have to explain , they also realize how blessed we were to grow up there during those times.
So to all my incredible childhood friends, thank you for so many wonderful memories and for so many more to come!
Hope is the beginning of faith when you have the smallest, slightest glimpse of maybe it could be …
You have a thought in your mind that you hope things will change, you start to pray that maybe it will happen.
Then you will start believing that it will happen, you can picture things different, you go to sleep dreaming of how your life is going to be different.
Belief then turns into faith when you don’t have to be able to touch it , feel it or see it , you have blind faith knowing that it will happen. You may not know when it will happen, but you have faith it is coming.
There are days when I wake up and I cant believe that all of this is real because I remember laying in bed dreaming of how this was going to feel, dreaming of how my own place would look like and feel like, how peace and joy would feel. Now all that I hoped for, all I dreamed of , all I believed in and had blind faith in is here and let me tell you how it feels way better than I could have ever dreamed!
So start with hope as small as a mustard seed , cherish it and soon it will grow into blind faith!