Looking back over the last year and the lessons I have learned.

With this year coming to a close , it gives us time to look back and reflect over the year and the choices we have made or didn’t make.

A year has went by, 365 days of your life , did you use them well? Did you change things you swore you would change last year? Did you make promises only to break them soon after?

What have you learned? Last night,the night before the New Year, I learned a valuable lesson, I learned that I am bringing the sins of my past relationships into the future with me. I never thought I was as I have always been a avoicate of leaving your past in the past.

A lot of my friends hate all men because of things their ex’s have done to them, they don’t trust anyone because of the hurt and pain they once felt.

I have always said there are great men out there, that not all men are out to hurt you, that you have to have an open heart and trust again.

I never knew that I was carrying any sins from my past until he said to me “right off the bat you assumed the worst,and you put up a wall, not every man is going to treat you like your ex”

It kind of shook me to the core, I don’t want to be that person, I who preach about loving people for who they truly are , I couldn’t possibly be doing that could I?

But I guess subconscious I was, we all are afraid of opening our hearts up and getting hurt, we want the people we love to love us back and when they don’t , its hurts.

So after a few times of putting ourselves out there we close down, self preservation kicks in.

For me a life without love is not worth living, I love big , with all my heart and I’ve lived without love in my life for too long that for me is not a choice, its a must.

I have realized that I need to stop and take inventory of what I say and where it is coming from.

This been single is all new to me and if I want to be in a loving relationship one day I need to not carry over things from the past.

So this year really take a good look at what sins you have been carrying with you and let them go for the new years, start fresh, its amazing what that feels like.

Amazing what a year can do!

Its amazing how much your life can change in a year, just when your in your darkest moment, when you feel like you will never see the sun again, when you don’t know why you are here.

When you feel unloved and unappreciated and you just don’t have the strength to go on.

Someone appears by God grace and helps you get past that moment to realize that you can go on one more day, one more week, one more month! Little by little you pull yourself up out of the hole you were once in and start believing that might change.

Small changes, then more faith, then bigger changes, a little more belief and before you realize you are in a new place, in a new space and you look back over the long hard journey it took you to get there and think I did it! I survived!

Bit then you realize no not only have you survived , you are living a life you couldn’t even dream for yourself, it is bigger and better than you dreamt of!

My friend helped me last year on the night where I was thisclose to ending it , he pulled me back and made me realize I was worthy, that things will change , that little bit of hope kept me going and his kind words saved my life.

So last night I got to pay it forward to tell my testimony to someone else who was in their darkest place yesterday, to be able to say “I know where you are and I am telling you to hold in, look at me it will get better! I promise you in a year you will look back and be amazed!”

They wrote to thank me  but there will never be a need for thanks, I need to pay it forward it is my purpose why I am here, that I may help others, that through my pain and experiences I may touch someone , inspire someone, give hope to someone. .. this is my purpose, Gods calling on my life.

So this year make it your resolution to pay it forward, you never know how your kind word, your smile, your friendship can change another’s life.

3 reasons we stop believing. ..

There are so many messages I receive from going to church, its amazing what you really need to hear, when you get there, there is your message that he is preaching right at you.

This week sermon was about when things get tough do you stop believing?, how deep is your faith?

3 reasons we stop believing:

1-we stop trusting and get discouraged because of the mistakes we made.

2-we allow our circumstances to control our lives, I might be in a mess but I am not a mess

3- we don’t use faith in our now

This is a tough year getting a new business started , hell starting a new career at this stage of the game is hard enough,but getting a business going in this day and age is rough.

Yes I walked out on faith to do this but am I human, you know it am!

Am I scared some days? Beyond scared have,  I woke up in sweats, I cant tell you how many nights. I am the sole provider for my girls , I will not lie after 24 years this is scary!

Something happened this last week and something in me just changed,  I said I cant change it, I can do two things I can make myself sick with worry , lose sleep and have heart palpations or I can straighten up lift my head up and say I know you have a plan for me, you will take care of things , I will keep praising you, I will keep believing and I will pray and let you worry.

 

So I chose number 2 I prayed , I gave thanks for where he has brought me from and I kept my faith that at this point of my life he is in control not me.

They say if you want to make God laugh tell him your plans!

It’s true, these weren’t my plans , I was so lost , I had nothing to dream about, all of “this” is his doing so I will not worry about what is going to come, I will just be grateful, give my praise and just “believe”

 

And your that negative why??

Yesterday at work we have a women who comes in and every time we see her she never has a nice thing to say, she is forever negative. 

“Beautiful day out today huh? “

” whats so beautiful about it? There’s too much pollen in the air, my allergies are acting up, I had to turn my heat on and there was something wrong with it of course now yet another thing that will cost me money , just like my car that mechanic cost me so much money, they are such thieves always ripping you off….”

At this point you have already tuned her out and your all laughing because you too know someone like this don’t you?

Yes there are so many negative people out there , they can’t seem to find one nice thing to say, my grandmother who lived with us was just like this, day after day I had to endure her negative attitude. 

I prayed “please God don’t make me like her” and God answered my prayers, not only am I not negative but I probably am one of the most positive people you will meet! Thank you God!

I dont get what makes someone be so negative,  your alive there’s your first thing to be positive about , you woke up in a home , slept in a bed, had electric and hot water for your shower and your coffee,  you have food and maybe even a car to get you to your job. Wow isn’t that more than so many people don’t have around the world? And yet your still not happy , you still feel like you have something to complain about.

Really? How about you walked to the bathroom,  you had both legs, you weren’t dragging an IV behind you or better yet having to use a bed pan.

you heard the alarm, you opened your eyes and saw the sunrise, you had vocal cords to yell at your dog.

Does none of this deserve a blessing or some praise? How many people are sick and dying that would trade places with you in a heart beat? Yet your still complaining about stupid stuff!

I don’t have time for negative people anymore,  I have a limited time here I want to enjoy every second, I want to surround myself with people who appreciate it as much as I do,  so if I avoid you, defreind  you or stop taking your calls its because I have no time for your stupidity, you are so blessed and you don’t even know it and as many times as I’ve tried to tell you, you still don’t get it and I am really sorry for you.

You are missing out on so many wonderful things, because you are too busy complaining. 

I live my life grateful and feeling blessed each and every day, I chose this, it is a choice! You can chose to be positive or you can chose to be negative it’s your choice,  chose wisely.  

Its amazing how time flys..

Today my oldest turns seventeen and I think where did the time go? It seems like it was just yesterday that she came into this world, a premie, tiny and helpless and I blinked my eyes and now she is almost a grown women.

So many things have happened in seventeen years, there was happiness and joy having my first child that we tried for for so long, Then we were blessed with yet another miracle baby and we had such high expectations and hopes.

Life takes you in all directions,  you think your going this way when all of a sudden, BAM! Life throws you a curve and you have to roll with it.

No matter what happened in the last seventeen years I am so blessed that God chose to bless me with two wonderful girls

They are the apple of my eyes, they are smart and beautiful and kind and bring joy to my heart every time I look at them.

So my wish for her today as she is still a girl yet still a women is that she enjoy each and every moment. 

Live in the present, forget the past , it is your mistakes and your failures that make you stronger,  don’t worry about the future,  it will come fast enough, just be present because one day you will blink your eyes and seventeen years will have gone by and you wont believe how fast time flies. 

There are 3 realities in life..

You  missed the moment because you have fear and anguish worrying about things you cannot change!

3 realities you have in your life is:

1-your past,you cant change it, it was there to teach you a lesson.

2-your present, live in the moment, enjoy every second,why worry abiut the future when you don’t know what’s going to be.

3-your future, you dont know whats going to happen, why stress about it

What ever may or may not happen it doesn’t matter no amount of stress, worry, or crying is going to change it so why would you waste your energy on it?

Why not just pray and let God worry! Believe that great things are coming your way, and that at this moment you are exactly where you are supposed to be, good , bad or in different,  it is where you are. Why say poor me, only bad happens to me, this is always going to be my life. Your putting out what you will get back, the law of attraction people!

Stop give thanks for what you have, know and believe that soon it will be your season and enjoy this moment, you will never have it again.

 

If you never try…

You never know if you never try, this was never so relent then this weekend when I had a house full of friends, years of memories and a lot of alcohol. 

For years lots of my friends had hidden and not so hidden feelings for others we went to school with. This reunion weekend with a little help from some drinks (okay maybe a lot of help) people decided to take a chance and express their feelings to their crushes, first loves, and people they still thought about for the last thirty years.

Hey, if you don’t try you will never know , what if that other person felt the same way for you and was too shy to tell you back then? And for all these years always thought “what if” 

Two of our friends, two years ago made a love connection after thirty years and couldn’t be happier . Unfortunately we had no love connections this weekend but at least we all got to express what we were holding in for thirty years and then be able to put it to rest.

It was definitely eye opening for a lot of us to hear that someone thought about you for that long and that their perception of things that happened so long ago were so different than yours.

Some of us needed to see things in a different light to realize maybe that person is not so good for you and its time to let go.

We all had different outcomes but at least we all took the chance, stepped out, said what was in our hearts and at least got some kind of answers to our questions that were in our heads for years.

Isn’t it better than saying “what if ” “I wish I knew” “I should have..”  if you never try , you’ll never know!

 

Home town friends

There is nothing like home town friends, people you grew up with, that know you better than anyone else and still love you.

This weekend I had a home town reunion party it all started when a friend called and wanted to see me which then snowballed into two then three then four friends flying in from all over the country and more than lived here coming.

These friends I hadn’t seen in over thirty years and yet here they were flying in to see me. Did I think would they be the same? Would I still like them?

I come from a small town and it was different than any other small town, we were tight, we were raised opened minded, we took care of each other and still do.

So no I wasn’t afraid I was excited to see friends that knew all my secrets and still liked me.

When they arrived it was if no time had went by at all, we were back in the home town groove in no time.

There is nothing like friends you grew up with , things you never have to explain like “the well” others would ask “did you drink from it?on your property? What is it?” We know it was an old well we use to hang out at and party or the launch “what launch ?Kennedy space center” or swinging bridge “is that a bridge? Does it swing??”

No the boat launch at the lake , swinging bridge was the lake, but we have no need to explain, we get it.

We remember you with hair, braces and acne,  we remember your first love, we knew how strict your parents were and who’s house we could hang out , these are the things that keep us bonded to each other.

There was about thirty people that showed up , all different ages and we had a ball, so many old memories and so many new ones.

So after four days “the big chill” style we were in sync with each other again and realize how very blessed we were to grow up in this small town with such wonderful small town people and even if we are scattered across the country we will always be  connected.

Thank you all for the best house warming gift I could have ever received, love and friendship.

What I am thankful for..

This year I had so many things to be thankful for, there was not enough words in me for all I have received this year.

I am thankful for God and that I have found him again after so many years of being lost, I am grateful for my church and my church family. 

I am grateful for my girls, that I let them see so much they shouldn’t have and that they are okay and hopefully they will see me as a strong woman. 

I am thankful for my freedom,  that I’m not  in a relationship that was suffocating me and had me so unhappy. 

I am thankful for my home and my new career that I love so much.

I am thankful for all of the wonderful friends and family I have been blessed with, without their love and support I don’t know how I would have gotten through these last ten years!

I am grateful for myself,  that I wanted to change , to figure out what I owned in all of this and doing something about it. That I have grown, learned , forgave and not be bitter, to realize that every thing happened so that I may have a testimony and inspire others.

I am most grateful for finding my purpose in life that I may be a blessing to others and that this has gave me such peace and joy in my life that I never knew could exist. 

Yes there are so many things I am grateful for this year, this month, this week, this day, this second.There is not enough praise in my mouth to give thanks.So what are you grateful for?

You reap what you sow

Yes you can call it anything you want , karma, pay back , the atmosphere,  the universe but in the end it comes back to you.

You can’t run away from it or hide from it , it will find you and even if years go by and you think you’ve gotten away with it,Not! Its coming, look out.

If your negative , you will get negatively,  if your mean, you will be treated bad by someone else. If your always unhappy , there will be more coming your way, its a fact you get back what you put out , the law of attraction at its best.

Though this change in my life I have decided that I will never be negative, I will never be ungrateful,  I will never be unkind or not be there for someone in need.

I want ti be the best I can be , I want to always look on the bright side, the glass is always half full in my house! I want to be a blessing to others, I want to reap what I sow big time! But the things I do I don’t think about what I will receive in the end I do it because I want to be a blessing,  I want to inspire others , I truly want the best for people in my life. The reaping is the bonus. 

So what are you sowing? And what will that havest bring you later on?