Much is required at the next level

If you know my story, you know how far I’ve come, you read about the peace I have found in my life and what a long and horrible road it took me to get here.

One thing I’ve realized is that I never, never want to lose this peace.  So this dating thing brings a lot more than happiness, it also brings baggage, past baggage, yours and his.

And with this comes drama, drama from exs who cant and wont move on but this is not my problem, my problem is to stay on this path with God to continue my peace not to be dragged to the gutter from which I’ve worked so hard to come up from.

God wants all of us to grow , if your not growing, your not in the will of god, “to someone that has been giving much, much is required.”

You cant let anything get in the way of your growth

I always say everything I need to hear , when I go to church I get the message I need. This week I’ve been praying I had a lot of things on mind and I realized that these things have been taking away my peace and I need to go to my next level and I need to get there with my peace intact.

You know your at the next level when you no longer worry about where your at, where the next month rent is coming from, you have peace , you know it will be okay.

When you wake up and the song on the radio says “no weapon formed against you shall prosper” and you know that message is for you!

Growth is painful, its the losing of ones self  but if your anchored in God, you cant get blown over.

How faithful will you be when god tests you? When you are losing your peace do you Stop! You will not take me peace , you have to go, my god comes first”

There is a song I love “I will not go back, I’ve worked to hard I will never go back” that is me, I will stand my ground.

I will erase who ever I have to out of my life to keep what I have fought for, this walk is not about me , its about what God has planned for my life and I have way to much to give to him for all he has done for me to let anything or anyone get in my way!

Writing in spite of the haters…

People ask me all the time why do I write? it’s something I have to do, its my God given gift, its like breathing to me.

I’ve been writing since I was a child, it was  comfort me when I was sad, it made me grateful when I was happy, it gave an outlet to my anger and it was always there for me.

I write now for all of these reasons but one more important one because I want to inspire others, to let them know you can overcome anything if you believe.

I write about what I am passionate about whether my beliefs, my family or my friends. I write good or bad , like me or hate me, believe it or not, I write from my heart.

Yes some days there will be the haters, who don’t like the truth and will come after me and that’s okay, I put myself out there, the good , the bad and the ugly for the world to see and judge, so I get it.

I get people will condemn me, speak ill of me or say things to make me look bad but I have chose to do this, (okay God chose for me to do this ) and I have thick skin now, especially after 24 years in a verbally abusive marriage by someone who was suppose to love you saying hateful things, having a stranger say it to me now is nothing!

I will forever write against injustice in my family or against the world, I will continue to have the backs of the people I love and call out the people who come against them.

If I am anything I am loyal and I will be your biggest cheerleader, I will fight your battles and be your voice when you can no longer speak for your self.

I will continue to be here and speak what my heart tells me to until I take my last breath, this is who I am.

I get my stories in all kind of ways, I meet a lot of people as I am always dealing with clients and I hear lots of stories, these are what and who I write about, their stories, good or bad, inspire me to write.

As do my own life experiences, I know that I have helped others with my words, I get messages and emails telling me that all the time and I am so honored that they first took the time to read my words and second that I may have been a small part in helping them.

So I will continue to use this gift, each and every day because in the end it matters little of what people here have to say, it only matters that one day I hear his voice and it says “well done, well done”

Not dealing with backstabbing friends

As I always say I am blessed with an abundance of wonderful friends and if your my friend I will be your friend for life.

You never have to question my friendship, I will do anything for my friends, I  have many of times stood up for them, I was their voice when injustice was done and will continue to do so.

If you hurt my friend, you have hurt me just as deeply as they are hurt. I am loyal to a fault and I am their biggest cheerleader but when you do me wrong, it is over I am way to old and have way to many friends to play games, life is too short to deal with phony two faced friends.

Yes I know sometimes things are said and you have fights , I am not unforgiving,  no I am talking about throwing you under the bus, nice in your face talk crap behind your back “friends”

How do you put out publicly that you thing someone is a snake and the next day you like their posts? Really did the first part just magically disappear?

How do you disrespect someone , deliberately trying to hurt and embarrass them  and then post nice things on their page?

I see grey on a lot of issues but this is black and white for me, either your my friend, you got my back or your not period!I am no longer in high school, your not going to be friend today and then hang out with another group tomorrow and talk behind my back the next those days are long gone.

I am a grown ass women, and the way you can tell the difference between a woman and a girl is a real women will have no problem lifting her other women friends up, she will be happy when they find the perfect man or the incredible job promotion,  they wont call each other bitches or be jealous or envious.

These are emotions I no longer have or have time for just as I no longer have time for phony friends.

I will be filling my next half of my life with people who are true , that love me and are supporting to me as I am for them.

Take your little girl issues and go home, take your horrible remarks and your dirty laundry and bring them with you back to high school, This bus is for real , self assurant ,praise giving women only! The special bus will be coming along any minute for you!

8 seeds you need to sow

1 believe in your self

2 have faith in god believe In all things

3 volunteer to assist

4 keep your passion alive by daily visiting your plan

5 educate yourself

6 sow seeds of self encouragement

7 stay in his word

8 guard your heart

believe that you are special, god will use you to show you your purpose.

All different kinds of friends

As I always say I am truly blessed to be able to have so many wonderful friends in my life. I have all different kinds of friends, I have my work friends, friends that along the way I had worked with at one time or another and even though I no longer work there, I got something out of that job, a great friendship.

I also have my church friends these incredible people I’ve meet when I started to go to the Faith Center, that opened up their arms and took me in, helped me when I was broken and at the lowest place I have ever been, these friends  helped me find my way.

I have friends I’ve meet along the way since I’ve moved to Florida, who were there for me when I missed home so bad I cried every night, they gave me hope to know you can start over and you still have enough love in your heart to give to new friends. 

And then. ..well then there are my home town friends,  my life long friends who have known me for all of my life and still like me in spite of that!They know my secrets,  they know my dreams, they seen me fail and the cheered my victories. 

They put me in my place and remind me of where I come from. I have come to rely on them for advice,  laughter and the joy they bring into my life. 

I speak to them almost every week, some almost every day and we hang out as much as possible,

I also have a lot of friends that are around the country that I get to be involved in their lives through this wonderful thing called Facebook, I get to see their children,  I get to cheer them on and be there from a far in their sorrows, and even though we don’t get to see each as often as we would like we are still connected and for me that is a wonderful thing.

So this morning I want to shout out to all of incredible friends, my life is so much fuller because you are in it ! Thank you for always being there for me!

 

 

Happy anniversary to me!

Today I woke up and realized that today was my old anniversary, it would have been nineteen years married to my ex. I woke up ecstatic knowing that I am no longer married, that I no longer have to pretend to be happy, to pretend that I am a perfect wife!

When you first say I do, you never imagine  what will come later on, your in “love” till death do us part and all of that.You never think about the bad only “happily ever after”

Then you wake up one morning eighteen years later thinking, who am I? who is this man I married? what happened to the sweet man the first persuade me? how could he treat me this bad and still say he loves me?

You have lost yourself to become the perfect wife and perfect mother, you gave up your career and your life in order to make every one else happy. In doing so you have lost yourself and made yourself miserable.

Until one day you can no longer breathe, your dying a slow death and you need to get out before you die, at all costs, you need to go !

You don’t care about the big house, fancy cars, big vacations, all of the showy things that you thought were so important when you were young, mean nothing to you now.

You know eating peanut butter and jelly will taste a lot better when you are free then filet mingon behind bars.

And so so break out, you run for your life , you no longer care what he or others say about you, you are not looking back , you can see your new life and God it looks so good!

Yes it is hard and yes there are days that it is scary,knowing you have to do it all on own your own but the feeling of relief and peace you feel over runs all of the fear you have.

Would I ever in a million years thought that this year could be so wonderful, no it has been beyond my wildest dreams, do I have any regrets , yes just one … that I didn’t do it sooner!

So for my first anniversary of being my own person I would like yo share my joy with you all and give you some words of wisdom. .. if your in a horrible marriage and yet another anniversary is coming up and your dreading it, stop and think about how short life is, be present, be happy, have peace in your heart if that’s not happening change it, tomorrow might be too late!

Letting go of your baggage part 2

Yesterday I wrote about how you need to let go of your baggage and how I thought I had done that but realized that I had left a bag behind and now needed to go through my dirty laundry to get rid of the rest.

I am no stranger about putting out my dirty laundry for every one to see as I feel my purpose on earth is to try to inspire others to never give up, to have faith and believe anything is possible.

To do this you have to lead by example and you have to be willing to tell your story so that others will know they are not alone, that yes I’m not perfect but I am trying to be better and do better.

So I must tell my whole story even the smelly, dirty laundry parts of it, so here goes.

My ex demeaned me, he called horrible names, said I would be nothing without him, said I was worthless and after twenty four years I believed him.

Towards the end of our marriage an old love contacted me and made me realize that I was worthwhile, that the “old” me would have never put up with that, we started to talk every day,he gave me my soul back, he brought the dead part of my heart back to life, he made me believe I was worthy.

Even though he lived 1500 miles away and we never got to see each other,  we had more of a connection than me and my husband and he filled my miserable life with hope. We talked of love and past memories and how we wanted  to start a life but yet when the time came he never stepped up.

He had the excuse about his kids (who were grown)  his family,  his job, he couldn’t leave and he knew my kids were young and I could never move out of the state and so he broke my heart.

After my separation my first date was with a guy from my gym who took me out during the week yet every weekend I never heard from him , I figured out real fast he had a girlfriend, welcome to single hood!

I then started hanging out with someone who acted like he was into me but wouldn’t or couldn’t step up, I kept holding out every time he gave me hope but then he would back off again it wasn’t until I had found someone else that he was interested again.

The new guy in my life had it rough from the beginning, look at all he came after? Even if he was a saint it wasn’t going to be enough to undo all the creeps in the past.

Yet he has opened my eyes about the men in my past, they all had the opportunity to step up , (his words not mine) they all had this wonderful women yet each and everyone of them didn’t man up , didn’t do the right thing, didn’t appreciate what they had and now here he was ready and willing to step up and I am scared because of all the hurt others had caused me.

It was a Oprah light bulb moment for me, I didn’t realize how these past relationships had scared me, yes I was independent, I could take care of myself, yes I know who I am,yes I like myself but I am still dragging this bag of dirty laundry with me.

So my new lesson for me to learn is to go through this process, to trust again, to believe not everyone is out to control me, not everyone is not man enough to step up, that people want to do things just because it makes you happy, what a concept huh?

I am the biggest believer that your never too old to learn something new and as you can see that is true! So I hope you will see my example and learn something new about yourself today, try to change for the better, open up your mind but most important open up your heart, because nothing is more important than love, for others and yes , yes for yourself!

Did you realize how much baggage you have?

I have been over with my ex for over two years and the three years before we broke up I started on working on myself.

I knew I was broken and I knew I needed to heal myself , I knew I couldn’t get into a relationship in the state I was in so I continued to work on my issues.

I really thought I was good, that I was healed, I forgave my ex for all the cruel things he had done in our marriage and I forgave myself for all I had done as well.

I started a new life, independent after twenty four years, paying my own bills, taking care of myself and my girls without the help of alimony or the very small child support I receive.

I was good, I was happy and I thought I had left the past in the past , that’s all good until you meet someone and now things change. Yes now you realize there might be a few suitcases you forgot to unpack. 

Yes now I realize that there is more hurt and more doubt and fear that I thought I was past and here it is standing looking at me in the face “hey you thought I was gone, Not!”

No I worked hard at getting rid of you, hit the road! But the baggage was too heavy for me to throw out , so I had to open it and go through it one by one.

I had that chip in there the one that says “you got this , you need no help from anyone, back off!”

Then there is the “what do you want?you must want something?why are you doing this ?”

In the corner of the baggage I found “what if he breaks your heart?You’ve been hurt before do you really want to go through that again?”

and I found the “Do you really need someone in your life your happy now, if hes not perfect why bother” yea alot of us have that one!

I couldn’t believe how much stuff was in there, stuff I thought I had left behind and yet I still had a suitcase full.

So I am trying to sort through all of these issues one by one as they have been coming up and believe me if your trying to be in another relationship they are coming.

You can put that suitcase far back in that closet and trust me it will somehow get back to the front, it will chase you down the street, you will get voice mail and emails saying “hey I’m still here , you cant get away from me!”

It will hound you more than a bill collector. It is not going anywhere until you deal with it.

Tomorrow I will share my dirty laundry and how hard its been to pull it out and finally deal with it.

So today I hope as your getting ready for work and you once again trip on your bag instead of throwing it to the back of the closet once again, take a peak see what you brought with you to your new life and follow me through mine until then remember you can always change anything in your life.

 

How many miracles do we miss?

Its amazing how many miracles we see every day yet unless they are super miracles we tend to write them off.

Yes small miracles like just missing a huge accident or getting a check in the mail when you could really use the money, yes that you can believe and even then some of you still have a reason for that to happen but big miracles not so likely.

So how do you explain a flood that kills thousands and one person is alive holding on to a tree or someone who has stage four cancer then goes back and is suddenly cancer free or someone whose house is getting foreclosure on and the bank calls says your mortgage is paid off and cant explain it. These are big miracles.

We are so desensitized it takes more and more to make us believe and sometimes you are your own biggest enemy.

3 things that will prevent miracles

1 doubt

2 disobedience

3 human reasoning

God has a strange way of working miracles in your life, how many times have you missed your miracles because of the way you think or because it wasnt packaged the way you thought it should be.

God will bring strange things and strange people to you. Renew your thinking, open up your mind, do what God has asked of you and it will blow your mind all the miracles that will come into your life big and small.

How much do you love?

Valentines day is not just for lovers, it about all people that have touched your heart, its a day to remember your loved ones  and let them know how important they are to you.

I am blessed to have many people in my life that have touched my heart and changed my life. Love is the most important thing in your life, it makes life worth living.

My greatest love is my girls, I never knew such a love until I carried my girls and held them in my arms the minute they were born. It was a love that was overwhelming and it took my breath away.

I also have such love for my family and my friends who are there for me, who have my back and love me unconditionally, these wonderful people make my life so fulfilling and make me realize how blessed I am.

I now have found that I can also open up my heart to another relationship, even after being hurt before.

I know that with so much love in all the other area’s of my life , I also need to have it in my personal life, I have missed wanting to do something special for someone just to see them smile, holding hands, or cuddling when its cold, dancing in the kitchen or just thinking of them during the day.

So I have given that a chance as well because you can’t have too much love in your life. So for this valentines day I want to thank all the wonderful people who fill my heart with love.

My wish for you is that you open up your heart to be able to see how much you are truly loved and how much love you have to give.