I didn’t smell a rat ….

I  didn’t smell a rat…..
Sometimes this gift of writing is like a curse, there are times I don’t want to write about what has happened to me.

I am embarrassed that I allowed certain things to take place or held on for so long, or the things I have done in my past.

But I know God gave me this gift to help others and I must put my own ego aside and tell the …whole truth and nothing but the truth in order to help.

I have been through more than one person should have to endure in a life time but I guess it has all tested my faith to see if I could still go on and have a positive attitude.
When I was 15 my mom had cancer, my dad died, I was raped and as a virgin had to endure the heartache of having an abortion.

I lost my two best friends before I was 19 , I had a drug problem and a alcohol problem for years and a cheating ex fiancé.

I then met my ex husband who at first seemed to be Mr. wonderful but quickly turned into Mr. narrocist, Mr. controlling and the worlds biggest verbal abuser which I stood and took for twenty four years because I was afraid to lose my girls who I love more then life itself.

The last five years I was this horrible marriage I had an emotional affair with my high school sweetheart who when push came to shove couldn’t or wouldn’t step up.

I then fell for Mr. unattainable who pulled my chain, for almost two years before I realized he was just perfect on paper .

Then I think I met Mr. perfect, an old high school friend who I dated years ago and he says he’s always been in love with me , how all these years later he still  wanted to be with me .

He wined and dined me. He bought me  a fire pit because I said I missed my fireplace, he bought me a diamond butterfly because I have a tattoo for my mom with one on my foot.

He listened to all I said, he bought me flowers, he asked why I didn’t have a cross after recently being baptized, so he bought me one blessed by his priest.

He came to my church, he acted like he was interested in my religion.
He woo my kids, drove them places, made them breakfast,  bought them gifts.

He told me how all the other men in my life never stepped up and here he was stepping up because he truly loved me.

He talked about a future , marriage, a house, merging of our two families. I was blown away I felt like a queen, I was head over heels for him, he was perfect and even though a lot of things didn’t seem to add up,  I justified them.

I pushed them off, even when friends tried to tell me , I was happy, why weren’t they happy for me?
But then he kept pushing to get engaged, to get married and I kept praying about it but the more I prayed the more I felt my peace in my life disappear,  I was unsettled but didn’t know why.

The Pandora’s box open with the appearance of his ex , he didn’t stand up for me , something was off, he said they hadn’t talked in 30 years yet he wouldn’t let me see the texts again a red flag.

Until last night when he was sleeping and his phone went off and I happened to see the text, I took his phone broke the code and started to read all the texts.

Well surprise to me, not only was he seeing his ex and telling her the same exact things he was saying to me but there were 3 other girls that he was seeing and telling the same things to !!

They talked about stuff being stolen, money being owed and surprise surprise my jewelry he bought me! I was shaking so much I could hardly hold the phone, I got my daughter in the car and took her to her dads then I came back woke him up by throwing his phone and banging him the head with it , I then threw his stuff in the street, all while saying more curse words then my ex husband said to me in 24 years!

Afterwards as I was taking off all the jewelry he had gave me, I realized that he stole the diamond cross he gave me! Ha a cross! I had to laugh because he will need that more than me!

I am telling you this story because there is someone out there right now reading this  that your friends have warned you, there are red flags, something doesn’t feel right,  2 plus 2 doesn’t add up. .. you know your interwishion is screaming! Listen!! Run, cut your losses, get out now!
I will be okay I have my faith that will get me through,  I have wonderful friends and family and I  guess I needed another chapter in my book!
Remember you reap what you sow!

The painful lessons you’ve taught me

As I have time to digest all that has happened in few last few days I keep thinking why would someone do this? What would make one person want to hurt another person in this way?

We known each other since we were twelve, when you were nineteen and came out of jail and no one in our town would speak to you, I was there, I took up for you, I believed you were set up and I voiced my opinion loud and clear, even when your high school sweetheart dumped you for another man, I was there.

So thirty years go by and here you come professing how you’ve always loved since then , how you couldn’t stop thinking of me all these years later, that you weren’t going to let me get away again, that all you wanted was to marry me and make me happy.

Me, being the trusting person that I am believed you,I so wanted to be loved and was craving affection coming out of a loveless abusive marriage,I fell for it.

 Even when everyone said don’t, he hasn’t changed,  I was your biggest cheerleader,  I said no everyone can change , he’s older, wiser, give him a chance to prove himself. 

I stood up for you , I had your back, I cared for you , I welcomed you into my home , my life , I introduced you to my most precious gifts, my girls.

I told you from the beginning my faith was my life, that it saved my life and I had to make sure that this was right with what God wanted me to do as I didn’t want to make yet another mistake. 

I took you to my saving grace , my church , I introduced you to my church family, I gave you my heart.

I am far from perfect as I say every day in my blog , I am not by any means  as you called me a “holy roller” I am just a person who has had a rough life trying to do better and be a better person and hopefully be a blessing to others.

I was not out to take advantage of you , I fought you tooth and nail about all the things you did and bought for me. I never wanted anything from you but truth, respect and that you wouldn’t cheat, that was it.

I told you could I take care of myself, but you said you wanted to do these things , buy me these things because you were staying at my house, driving my car, eating my food and that you wanted to see me smile

I left a marriage with money, I walked away from it all for peace and happiness , money doesnt matter to me, the gifts were special to me because you listened not their value. 

Yes was it wrong to break into your phone? yes it was but when I asked you to see the messages before, you were so adamant about me not trusting you, a red flag went off loud and clear.

For me I had no other choice before I  got involved in a final decision like moving in together or marriage, I needed to be sure and if this was what I needed to do , so be it! Again I am not perfect,  I am human.

What I saw made me sick , how could you tell me all those things and tell other women the same things? How could you as your professing your love for me do the same to others?

How could you lie knowing how vulnerable I was? I was not a 1-800 girl, I was someone who you knew  for the last 30 years.Your mad about me breaking into your phone? well I’m mad that you broke my trust, my faith , my hope that not all men are dogs!

I am a kind person, I would never intentionally hurt another human being , its just not in me, I go out of my way to show people kindness and lift them up.

Read my blogs every day , I put it out there for the whole world to see and judge me on,  I hide nothing! It is who I am , who I say I am!

You haven’t and wont given me an answer on why you would do this and at this point I longer care what your reasons were.

I was taken in by your lies and deceitfulness and I have learned yet another lesson and have taught my girls one as well, that you never put up with a lying , cheating man, thank you for that!

I truly, truly hope that no man will ever treat your daughter the way you’ve treated me.

I am done with you and all of this , I will continue on my journey just a little bit wiser and a little less trusting, I wish you good luck on your life and all you do.