If things are not where you need them to be , or you do not know your purpose, or your relationship is not all you dream that it should be and you want to get out but you don’t know where to turn.

There is a answer to all of this,its called prayer, yes prayer, prayer changes things. If you truly want things to change , you need to pray.

You need to change whats not going right in your life, if you don’t like the way your cake taste, change the ingredients,  simple as that!

Maybe you need to add more kindness, more forgiveness, more faith, more peace  and maybe you need to take out hate, negative people, toxic relationships, doubt and fear.

All of this is on you, all things can change if you chose to change and it all starts with prayer.

 When you come to a point where you no longer know where to go, or you have fallen so low, you can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel, I am here to tell you, to give my testimony , to say yes… yes prayer changes everything!

I know when I am not praying, I feel the turmoil returns to my life and I am not talking about praying for things, praying only when your in a bind and then forgetting about it when things get better. No I am talking about even in the darkest times, praying , knowing you will be okay, keeping the faith, praying when the only prayer is a broken one,its okay he hears your prayers. 

There might be a test, how deep , how true is your faith? If your prayers aren’t answered right away, do you give up , will you do what he asks of him? Will you pray for all the answers in your life or just the ones you need immediate answers to?

I pray each and every day , I pray that he woke me up , I pray I have my girls, my home, a job , friends and family. I pray for others, yes even others who have hurt me.

 I walk away from fear, anxiety and hatred, I no longer worry about stuff, nothing! I know all will be okay as I am the child of the most high God.

 It will all be alright if I pray, if I change the ingredients if my cake isn’t tasting so good and have faith, that is all the ingredients you need to have to have a consistently great cake!

 

 

 

 

I try to tell my kids all the time , you are only as good as your word, that is who you are and it proceeds you all your life. 

I never tell my girls I will do something,I always say we’ll see, this way if I can’t do it I didn’t promise and then not deliver. 

I remember my mom telling me stories about her father who would promise her he would be there to pick her up and she would sit by the window all day not moving, afraid she would miss him, until it got dark out and her grandmother would have to drag her away crying to go to sleep because he never showed up.

As she told me this story some 60 years later, she cried because it still hurt her so much, all of the broken promises he made her and never kept,60 years of hurt and pain because you couldn’t keep your word.

When I was married my sister in law would call and tell me to tell the girls she was coming to get them, I would get them ready and they too would sit by the windows waiting, the first time she didn’t show I let it go, as thing’s happen, the second time I called her and told her if she ever wanted to see my kids again I would be telling them when she was standing at the front door.

I would never put my girls through the hurt and pain my mother went through, and as sure as I was breathing no one else was going to.

How do you want people to view you? I know a few friends that although they have big hearts are the biggest bullshiters I ever meet.You never know what is true and what is a lie, they become like the boy who cried wolf, is he telling the truth or isn’t he?

I am an adult and if you lie to me, I know it will hurt when I find out but we have all been around the block and it has happened to us before but when you lie to a child, especially my child, you need to check yourself as I will come out fighting. 

You are breaking a child innocence, they have big hearts, they see and believe the good in people, they are not jaded, they open up their hearts and take you in.

To do that to a child , you change who they are and how they view the world.

My daughter said the other day something that was so profound, she told someone.

“with that being said, I hope you learned a lot because I’m 17 and your 51 and I will never be a liar and I learned that within half of your existence” 

I am glad I have lead by example and that she has learned that you are your word and how truly important that is.

Nothing like home town friends

There are no friends like the friends you grew up with, especially if you come from a small town where everyone knows everyone else. 

 

They started kindergarten with you, some of them were your very first friends you met.Some lived on the same block as you all your life. 

 

We were blessed to grow up in this special place and we have memories that will last a lifetime. 

It was a small town with filled with city influences from all the people we got to meet every weekend they came up to vacation. 

 

We knew each other’s parents, who owned the local bar, the dry cleaners,  the local hair salon, we couldn’t get away with anything because by that night it would have gotten back to your parents.

 

We had the mountains, to hike through and find salamanders after the rain, the lakes, that we water skied in, the crystal clear rivers to jump from rock to rock. We jumped off waterfalls and swam wherever we found water.

 

We skied in the winter, drove snowmobiles for miles from one persons house to another through the woods, we went ice skating on the ponds and sat in a little shack on Deyohes Park and drank hot chocolate together. 

 

You don’t have to explain to others things like “The well” “The old Airport”

 we all knew where the parties were at, the launch, Dillion hill,the chalet or the DU. We were locals we knew these terms.

 

We hung out with people older than us and people younger than us, these were the people you saw at party’s, at the diner, or the roller skating ring, we all hung out together. 

 

There was no discrimination, we had interracial families in the days that people were still so closed minded, yet we saw no color, we saw friends that’s all. 

We had drag queens and gays, single mothers, Jewish and Christian all living together in one small town.

 

We had all worked or knew someone that worked in the “hotels” The Concord, Kutchers, The Pines, Grosssingers,

We dont have to have a ten minute conversation about what a bungalow is or bungalow bunnies, the pickle man or a casino is because we know.

 

We know Jamesway, Leftys, Gagers, Ellorys, Joe Rotas, Gigis Pizza and The Car wash, no need for words, it instantly brings back memories. 

 

 We speak the same language even 40 years later, we can pick up right where we left off.

 I am blessed to have so many of us that now live in Florida and we get to once again be part of each others lives, remembering old memories and making new ones.

 

 

Through it all, I am still blessed

All my life I have always felt blessed even when I went through difficult times. When I fifteen and went through that horrible year, I still had faith, I still prayed,  I could still see the good through all the bad.

 

For a while I lost my faith,  I thought how could God let me go through all of this? But even through I stopped going to church, I still prayed and kept faith.

 

 

I am a big believer in what ever helps you get through is a good thing, whether it be therapy (I did that for years after my rape and it so helped me) or a religion,whichever it may be or just having your own thing with your own God.

 

You need to hold on to whatever gets you through, you have to believe that things will get better, you have to see how blessed you truly are even if everything is falling apart around you.

 

Even through my worst of times and I didn’t feel like I had anything,  I woke up every day and just thanked God just for waking me up, I felt like I had nothing else but he woke me up, I thanked him for my girls and their health, my health. 

 

I added in things one at a time, because I was too broken to be able to see the big picture and all the blessings I had.

 

I added I had a roof over my head, that I had food to eat when others did not. I added I had electricity and hot water when people walked miles to wash in lakes or streams, sat by fires to see, I had all of these blessings, how bad could my life possibly be?

 

I had a car, I had a job, I had money for gas, I could go for a meal out or buy my kids shoes, what right did I have to complain? When so many wished they had what I have.

 

What kind of spit in Gods face is that? If you don’t appreciate all the other blessings he has given you.

So yes I was going through the darkest time in my life, I didn’t think I would ever see the sun ever again,  I was so hurt and broken yet even going through all of that, I saw all my blessings and was grateful. 

 

So today with whatever you may be going through,  reach out get help, pray to whoever you pray to but stop in the middle of your storm and give thanks for all the blessings you still have.

When you need to hear a message…

 

I am always amazed when I need a sign , that somehow God always provides one for me, like a verse that keeps popping up all day or when I go to church and I have been praying on something and then the sermon is exactly what I prayed on and exactly what I needed to hear.

On Wednesday as I prayed all day to be able to let go of my anger and hurt , I kept getting this verse, first from a friend who had no idea what was going on,  then from another friend who sends me one every morning and then the same verse comes up at church! 

God is really trying to tell me something! The verse was Romans 8.28 “All works together for your good, who have been called according to his purpose”

Now I know if I believe, its all going to be alright, I’ve been through way to much and I know it works and lately I know what is my purpose beyond a shadow of a doubt, to write and to go and tell my story to others. 

Well just before getting to church I checked my Facebook page and on one of my posts two women who were supposed to be my “Facebook ” friends dogged me out , they accused me of all the trouble I was going through, like I was the one who did this to my self

I was mad and hurt, the only thing I had done was trust the wrong man and then called him out on it.If they were truly my “friends” they would know that I blog every day, that is what I do, who I am and if they read my blogs , they would know I built people up, I try to give hope and inspiration to others , I never tear people down.

Well the message was about dealing with criticism! Ha really? And how you need it to make you a stronger person, that there will always be someone out there dogging you

He then went on to say give people a chance to see who they are, they will always show their true colors eventuality, was he at my house this week? How did he know this was my message? 

He continued saying that some people are down right evil and that when you open your heart  and invite them into your life, be careful of what they try to do.

That as you start to get closer to God, you need to expect more bad to come at you to test your faith.(wasn’t I just in the peaceful place filled with joy and then this happens?) 

He said don’t let anger rule your life, you need to let it go, its only blocking your own blessings and he closed with with remember you reap what you sow!

These were all the messages I needed to hear, this was what I needed to let this go, to know this is the path I need to take and know that even in my darkest times I will believe .

 

We need to own what we do

We all need to own what we do in our lives. You need to stand up and own who you are  and what choices you make. 

In the end we will all be judged on what we’ve done here on earth.

I write this blog every day, I put my self out there to be judged every day, I own each and every mistake I make and then I place it out here for you to see.

I owned that I stayed in a horrible marriage, I owned that I had a emotional affair for five years, I owned that I fell in love with a man who wouldn’t or couldn’t love me back, I owned that I was taken in by someone who used and lied and cheated, these are my mistakes and I fully stand up and take responsibility for them.

You cant blame people for your mistakes, you can’t say because I got caught and  it’s all your fault,  if you want to grow and change you must grow up and deal with the aftermath of what you have done, it is only then you will be able to change

I remember being with my girls in Ny and I was driving their Aunt Pams car and we drove it into the garage and opened the hatch not knowing the ceiling wasn’t high enough, I heard a sickening sound and we got out to see what we did. There was a dent in the back of her trunk my girls were young and said “mommy dont tell Aunt Pam, she will get mad, she won’t know “

I said “no but I will , I did this, I own this ” and I marched them upstairs to apologize and offer to pay to fix it , come to find out the dent was there from them  also not knowing the garage was too low. 

I taught them to do the right them to own what you do, to apologize and take responsibility to make things right. 

We grow, we learn, we change hopefully for the better but unless your willing to step up  and deal with your issues, you will never go on to your next level.

So own up, believe me its not so bad , at least your not doing it in front of thousands of people like I do each and every day, then forgive yourself and let it go.That is what I am doing today , I am forgiving myself and letting it go.

Life is too short for regrets! Life it big, live it to the fullest, live it with a clear heart, live it!!!

 

I have no doubt what my purpose is now

  • After this heart wrenching experience that I just went through I now know beyond a shadow of a doubt what my purpose in this life.

I was talking to a friend last night and he asked me why I would put my whole life out for the whole world to see, I told him because I want others to see what I went through , to give others hope that they can do whatever they set their minds to.

That no matter how dark it seems at the moment,  what life throws at you or how hurt and alone you feel , I am here to tell you I’ve been there , I’ve been through hell and back more than once and I am still standing, in fact I am better than I was before.

This whole horrible experience taught me more than anything that I must continue writing and telling my story,  I never want another women to not see the signs and even if they miss the signs to know there will still be a silver lining at the end.

I have gotten more texts, phone calls,  Facebook messages and emails about this not just showing their support but thanking me for sharing my story, yes they too felt this was about a man they are dating, they are still in the dark and don’t know how to get out.

That my blogs give them hope and inspire them to keep trying, they shared their stories,  they cried and told me  I was their hero

Me? A hero? No I am a women who has been hurt over and over and yet even after this still believes the best in people.

I still believe that God has a plan and purpose in my life , I still feel like I am blessed and I know that I am loved by my God and so many people that it should be a crime to be blessed with that many friends yet I am.

I will continue to be the voice for women that don’t have one, I will continue to try to be a better person , to forgive and still trust, I will continue to share my story and hope that it touches someones life. 

I will look at this like I try to look at everything else in my life… as a lesson, what did I have to learn? What was God trying to teach me? What will I take away from this experience?

Then I will forgive and move on to the bigger and better things God has in store for me, just a little smarter and a little wiser. 

I didn’t smell a rat ….

I  didn’t smell a rat…..
Sometimes this gift of writing is like a curse, there are times I don’t want to write about what has happened to me.

I am embarrassed that I allowed certain things to take place or held on for so long, or the things I have done in my past.

But I know God gave me this gift to help others and I must put my own ego aside and tell the …whole truth and nothing but the truth in order to help.

I have been through more than one person should have to endure in a life time but I guess it has all tested my faith to see if I could still go on and have a positive attitude.
When I was 15 my mom had cancer, my dad died, I was raped and as a virgin had to endure the heartache of having an abortion.

I lost my two best friends before I was 19 , I had a drug problem and a alcohol problem for years and a cheating ex fiancé.

I then met my ex husband who at first seemed to be Mr. wonderful but quickly turned into Mr. narrocist, Mr. controlling and the worlds biggest verbal abuser which I stood and took for twenty four years because I was afraid to lose my girls who I love more then life itself.

The last five years I was this horrible marriage I had an emotional affair with my high school sweetheart who when push came to shove couldn’t or wouldn’t step up.

I then fell for Mr. unattainable who pulled my chain, for almost two years before I realized he was just perfect on paper .

Then I think I met Mr. perfect, an old high school friend who I dated years ago and he says he’s always been in love with me , how all these years later he still  wanted to be with me .

He wined and dined me. He bought me  a fire pit because I said I missed my fireplace, he bought me a diamond butterfly because I have a tattoo for my mom with one on my foot.

He listened to all I said, he bought me flowers, he asked why I didn’t have a cross after recently being baptized, so he bought me one blessed by his priest.

He came to my church, he acted like he was interested in my religion.
He woo my kids, drove them places, made them breakfast,  bought them gifts.

He told me how all the other men in my life never stepped up and here he was stepping up because he truly loved me.

He talked about a future , marriage, a house, merging of our two families. I was blown away I felt like a queen, I was head over heels for him, he was perfect and even though a lot of things didn’t seem to add up,  I justified them.

I pushed them off, even when friends tried to tell me , I was happy, why weren’t they happy for me?
But then he kept pushing to get engaged, to get married and I kept praying about it but the more I prayed the more I felt my peace in my life disappear,  I was unsettled but didn’t know why.

The Pandora’s box open with the appearance of his ex , he didn’t stand up for me , something was off, he said they hadn’t talked in 30 years yet he wouldn’t let me see the texts again a red flag.

Until last night when he was sleeping and his phone went off and I happened to see the text, I took his phone broke the code and started to read all the texts.

Well surprise to me, not only was he seeing his ex and telling her the same exact things he was saying to me but there were 3 other girls that he was seeing and telling the same things to !!

They talked about stuff being stolen, money being owed and surprise surprise my jewelry he bought me! I was shaking so much I could hardly hold the phone, I got my daughter in the car and took her to her dads then I came back woke him up by throwing his phone and banging him the head with it , I then threw his stuff in the street, all while saying more curse words then my ex husband said to me in 24 years!

Afterwards as I was taking off all the jewelry he had gave me, I realized that he stole the diamond cross he gave me! Ha a cross! I had to laugh because he will need that more than me!

I am telling you this story because there is someone out there right now reading this  that your friends have warned you, there are red flags, something doesn’t feel right,  2 plus 2 doesn’t add up. .. you know your interwishion is screaming! Listen!! Run, cut your losses, get out now!
I will be okay I have my faith that will get me through,  I have wonderful friends and family and I  guess I needed another chapter in my book!
Remember you reap what you sow!

The painful lessons you’ve taught me

As I have time to digest all that has happened in few last few days I keep thinking why would someone do this? What would make one person want to hurt another person in this way?

We known each other since we were twelve, when you were nineteen and came out of jail and no one in our town would speak to you, I was there, I took up for you, I believed you were set up and I voiced my opinion loud and clear, even when your high school sweetheart dumped you for another man, I was there.

So thirty years go by and here you come professing how you’ve always loved since then , how you couldn’t stop thinking of me all these years later, that you weren’t going to let me get away again, that all you wanted was to marry me and make me happy.

Me, being the trusting person that I am believed you,I so wanted to be loved and was craving affection coming out of a loveless abusive marriage,I fell for it.

 Even when everyone said don’t, he hasn’t changed,  I was your biggest cheerleader,  I said no everyone can change , he’s older, wiser, give him a chance to prove himself. 

I stood up for you , I had your back, I cared for you , I welcomed you into my home , my life , I introduced you to my most precious gifts, my girls.

I told you from the beginning my faith was my life, that it saved my life and I had to make sure that this was right with what God wanted me to do as I didn’t want to make yet another mistake. 

I took you to my saving grace , my church , I introduced you to my church family, I gave you my heart.

I am far from perfect as I say every day in my blog , I am not by any means  as you called me a “holy roller” I am just a person who has had a rough life trying to do better and be a better person and hopefully be a blessing to others.

I was not out to take advantage of you , I fought you tooth and nail about all the things you did and bought for me. I never wanted anything from you but truth, respect and that you wouldn’t cheat, that was it.

I told you could I take care of myself, but you said you wanted to do these things , buy me these things because you were staying at my house, driving my car, eating my food and that you wanted to see me smile

I left a marriage with money, I walked away from it all for peace and happiness , money doesnt matter to me, the gifts were special to me because you listened not their value. 

Yes was it wrong to break into your phone? yes it was but when I asked you to see the messages before, you were so adamant about me not trusting you, a red flag went off loud and clear.

For me I had no other choice before I  got involved in a final decision like moving in together or marriage, I needed to be sure and if this was what I needed to do , so be it! Again I am not perfect,  I am human.

What I saw made me sick , how could you tell me all those things and tell other women the same things? How could you as your professing your love for me do the same to others?

How could you lie knowing how vulnerable I was? I was not a 1-800 girl, I was someone who you knew  for the last 30 years.Your mad about me breaking into your phone? well I’m mad that you broke my trust, my faith , my hope that not all men are dogs!

I am a kind person, I would never intentionally hurt another human being , its just not in me, I go out of my way to show people kindness and lift them up.

Read my blogs every day , I put it out there for the whole world to see and judge me on,  I hide nothing! It is who I am , who I say I am!

You haven’t and wont given me an answer on why you would do this and at this point I longer care what your reasons were.

I was taken in by your lies and deceitfulness and I have learned yet another lesson and have taught my girls one as well, that you never put up with a lying , cheating man, thank you for that!

I truly, truly hope that no man will ever treat your daughter the way you’ve treated me.

I am done with you and all of this , I will continue on my journey just a little bit wiser and a little less trusting, I wish you good luck on your life and all you do.