Your words no longer hurt me
A friend of mine is in the final stages of his divorce and recently as we have been talking about it, he was telling me all that she said to him.
That he was a lousy huband and father, that the marriage sucked, that he never made her happy, that he was selfish and not caring. That his beliefs in karma were stupid and because he had said he was happy, that actually meant he wasnt.
He said he didnt cheat, he was home every night, he spent all his free time with the family, he did whatever she wanted, he was a great provider, he didn’t lie, steal or gamble so what was so wrong with him, he asked.
For a moment I was brought back to a horrible place, my marriage, where everyday I had to listen to my ex tell me these same things. Horrible, cruel, mean things meant to hurt me. I remembered a point where I actually believed all the things he said about me and I constantly felt like shit about myself.
Putting someone down, by saying such cruel things, to go out of your way to actually want to hurt someone is a sickness, its not normal.
It wasn’t until one day when I started to love myself again, until I looked around and saw how many people loved me and believed I was a good person, it was then I realized that no, there was nothing wrong with me, there was something wrong with him, this was his issue not mine.
And when I started to grow and learn about what was my part in this marriage and what was his, I came across this article from Harvard University about this disorder called Narristic behavior, the article states and I quote.
“If you have narcissistic personality disorder, you may come across as conceited, boastful or pretentious. You often monopolize conversations. You may belittle or look down on people you perceive as inferior. You may feel a sense of entitlement — and when you don’t receive special treatment, you may become impatient or angry. You may insist on having “the best” of everything — for instance, the best car, athletic club or medical care.
At the same time, you have trouble handling anything that may be perceived as criticism. You may have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability and humiliation. To feel better, you may react with rage or contempt and try to belittle the other person to make yourself appear superior. Or you may feel depressed and moody because you fall short of perfection”
Wow…that was my ex to a tee…so there wasn’t anything wrong with me? After all these years of him telling me and I thinking and believing it was true, here it is in black and white from the top two schools in the world, Harvard University and Yale University. They had both put out these studies and it explained why he treated me the way he did, it wasnt me….no, this was definitely his problem.
I explained this to my friend, sometimes you can give it your all, you can do all that you can to try to make the other person happy but if they are not happy with themselves or they have unresolved issues that they are not willing to admit, they will never be happy, with you or the next one or the next one…because its about them.
Its not your job to make someone happy, to be their all, to “complete them”
they must do it themselves, they must put in the work to try to change, olny then can you have a healthy relationship with them.
All you need to do is own your part in the marriage and forgive her of hers, then let it go and be happy.
These are her issues either she deals with them or she’ll bring them on to the next relationship either way not your circus, not your monkey anymore.
So today my friends, remember you cannot heal everyone, you cannot make everyone happy, you only need to be happy within yourself. Dont let their words effect you, it’s not about you… just say “Your words no longer have any effect on me”
Walk away and have a good life.
“Be the change you want to see”
“And just when the caterpillar thought his life was over…he turned into a beautiful butterfly”
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