Hump day Treadmill Treats
A letter to my daughter
I know things are rough now….
I know that life seems hard and that it’s feels like it’s too hard to keep going.
I know that the life you dreamed of is not the life your living now…
I know that the fairy tale balloon childhood was popped for the realities of real life.
I wish I could make you understand that I loved you as much as your sister, that I protected and stood up more for her because she needed it, you were his favorite and you never needed protection from him until now.
How can I explain to you, that she stood up for me when I couldn’t speak, she was my voice when I didn’t have one, she got all the beatings, all the name calling, all the punishments because she was so much like who I use to be before I gave away my power.
I wish I could change it all, I wish I could go back and make everything allright…
I wish I could have kept the people you loved alive to see what I see now, a beautiful, kind, sweet young lady you’ve become.
I wish I could take back all the hateful words your father keeps filling your head with. I wish I make you understand these are his issues, not yours.
That because of of his insecurities, he lashes out at you and anyone around him. That you keep trying to be “Perfect” for him in order for him to love you, but you will never understand, you will never be “Perfect” enough in his eyes, but you are already perfect enough in mine, just being you.
I wish I could fill your broken heart with joy, that I can let you see through my eyes what I see when I look at you.
The amazing qualities I see when I look at you…
Your kindness, your amazing sense of humor, your big heart, your incredible book and street smarts, your intuitive soul, your caring and compassion for not just your friends but for the world around you.
Yes, I see all of this and more when I look at you yet because of his words, his constant put downs, you see none of it.
I know how this feels, because my darling, I have walked in your shoes, I know what it feels like to believe when someone tells you, that your worthless, that your stupid and a piece of shit, how you start believing that. How your heart breaks over and over because someone who is suppose to love you can say these things to you… yes I know…
It took me a lot of years to realize these was his issues and not mine, it took many small steps with lots of set backs to know my self worth again.
You need to do what is best for you, you need to believe in yourself again, to finally see what I see and believe it.
You need to start your life on your terms, you will soon be an “adult” And you need to be you and find you…
Please know I am your biggest cheer leader, that I will always be here for you, that you are my heart and soul.
Please know I wish I could change all the hurts in your life, be a better mom, I wish I could have spoken up, I wish I would have left earlier, there are so many regrets I have but having you was never one of them…never!
You and your sister are the best things I have ever done in my life and I would lay down my life for you both.
But I cannot change anything, I can only learn lessons and try to teach you both how not do follow in my footsteps and make the same mistakes.
I believe you can do anything you set your mind to…if you want you will be the best cardiothoracic surgeon, or a vet or something else, you will. Whatever makes you happy, whatever fills your soul with peace and joy, that is what I want for you.
So today my child, know your self worth, see what I see when I look at you, know your grandmother will be watching and protecting your every step, know that she loves you just because of who you are and so do I, always and forever….
“Be the change you want to see”
“And just when the caterpillar thought his life over…he turned into a beautiful butterfly”
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