Missing loved ones

Missing loved ones

This is a really hard time of year for alot of people, the hoildays, the memories, the expectations, it’s overwhelming.

For me it’s both, as I love the hoildays because it brings together family and friends but it’s also bittersweet to me. I have had so many losses in my life and it makes me realize how many wonderful people I cannot spend the hoildays with.

Yesterday was one of those extremely tough days for me, I started off the day crying and ended the day the same way.

I was epecially thinking about my mom and dad. We had an old farmhouse in upstate New York, we would have the fireplace going, the tree lite and Christmas music playing throughout the house.
We would sit on the couch with hot chocolate looking at the snow falling for hours, just lost in the moment, enjoying each other’s company.

I miss them, I miss all the friends who would come to every family event, people that were taken too soon and missed too much. Yes, this time of the year, I get sad, I know everything happenes for a reason but taking a loved one has always been a hard one for me to swallow.

It has taught me to live in the moment, to start my own traditions with my girls, so they will have wonderful memories later on. It has taught me to really appreciate life and live it to the fullest as you never know when it can be over.

It makes me appreciate the memories my mom gave me, making sauce with my dad or making lasagna with my friends in our big kitchen. My mom inviting people over for the hoildays that had no where to go, I remember the food, the love and the laughter around our table, even though we didn’t have much, what we did have, we shared.

Yes, this time of year is hard on me and it makes me sad but I know they are in a better place and one day we will be together again. So until then, their memories will keep me going, they will fortify me and warm my heart to make that many more memories with my loved ones.

So today my friends, I know it may be tough to get through the hoildays but you must live in the moment, create new memories, honor the old ones and know….This too shall pass.

Be present, live in the moment, live large and laugh often, life is too short to do anything else.

***I know this is a tough time of year, so I will be putting this number out there for all that need it…I been there and I know how dark it may seem especially during the Christmas season. There is help, it will get better…I am living proof of “This too shall pass”**
Please get help, call today:
National Suicide Hotline: 24/7
1-800-273-8255

“Be the change you want to see”

“And just when the caterpillar thought his life over…he turned into a beautiful butterfly”

***Now available***
My book The blessing in Disguise
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Digging deep into your own psyche

Digging deep into your psyche

Last week while talking to my cousin, I had an Oprah ah ha moment. I actually connected the dots to why I do what I do in my life.

I realized that my grandmother who lived with us and helped raised me, shaped so much of my life.
She was the meanest, most negative person you will ever meet, who was never happy with anything or anyone in her life.

I would do something stupid like most 5 or 6 year olds would do and she would get mad at me and stop talking to me for days on end. I would try to talk to her, I would write her notes, draw her pictures, bring her flowers, I would cry to my mother why doesn’t Nanny love me, what did I do?

She would withhold her love from me and I would do whatever it took to try to get her to love me, to forgive me, even though I had nothing to be forgiving for.

I would sacrifice my own happiness to try to make her happy. Not knowing that no matter what I did or did not do, she would never be happy as this was her issue not mine but try to explain that to a child.

As I got older I even did this with my friendships, I would do anything for them. Of course this made me a magnet for men who withheld their love from me as well, men who were just like my grandmother, who I keep running after to get them to love me at all costs.

My ex husband would stop talking to me for days as well and in my already set  pattern, I would beg and try anything to make him happy, he knew this weakness in me and took advantage of it time and time again.

Even after my divorce I still ran after men like this, unattainable men, narcissistic men, controlling men, passive aggressive men, men who needed to be in control and saw my weakness, even when I couldn’t see it myself. The more they pulled away, the more I chased, the more they withheld their love and affection, the more I tried and then blamed myself for it.

When I looked back over each man and realized my pattern on why I keep chosing these men, I was shocked.

It’s my need to please, my trying to reach unatenable love, my need to have people like me and it all stems back to my grandmother and how she treated me.

It’s funny I tell my girls this all the time about their father, that this is his issue and not theirs. But when your on the receiving end it is harder to hear or believe the truth as you always think it’s about you or something you didn’t do or could have done better.
This makes you second guess everything in your life.

I see this behavior in my girls and I wished I could have learned this lesson earlier so they wouldn’t be feeling this way now…
But as one of my favorite authors, Maya Angelou always said “When you know better, you do better”

So now that I know better… I will definitely do better.
I know that not everyone is going to like me…big reality check when you put your life out there to the world to comment on!

And I’ve learned that these men are all like my grandmother, they are broken, hurt and have issues, that they are projecting their issues on you, their lack of confidence, their insecurities on you, to deflect from them.

It’s funny that even at this age I am learning so much about myself, I guess it’s true what they say… with age comes wisdom, but only if your willing to dig deep and be brutally honest with yourself.

So today my friends remember, if you want to change your patterns, you need to dig deep, you need to be brutally honest and you must want to change because the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.

Make that change, figure out why you do the things you do, what point in your life or who made you who you are today and then dig deep into your psyche to change it…it’s never to late, as I always say….

“Be the change you want to see”

“And just when the caterpillar thought his life over…he turned into a beautiful butterfly”

***Now available***
My book The blessing in Disguise
Selling on my website:

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And on Amazon.com

http://www.am6azon.com/gp/aw/d/0692437398/ref=mp_s_a_1_12?qid=1434452632&sr=8-12&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=the+Blessing+in+Disguise

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Please don’t make me go to the gym

Please don’t make me go to the gym

Yes, I know your shocked that me, the queen of the treadmill…Hello Ms. Treadmill Treats herself, would say this but hey I am human and hell, sometimes I am tired.

This morning after working all day, then having to go grocery shopping, coming home and putting it all away and finally cooking dinner at 9 pm, I fell in bed and maybe fell asleep by 11 and then there goes that dam alarm clock at 4:30 am!

I’m tired.. I’ve been working 12 hour days for weeks, I’ve been getting the house ready for the holidays, cooking and cleaning, believe me, I could sleep for a month!

But I have to get up, I have responsibilities, I have to write this blog 5 days a week, I have to beat this family curse of heart attacks taking out everyone before they turn 50.

And yes, let’s be real, I am somewhat vain and love to be able to rock that sexy black dress even at this age, so this is my motivation to not roll over every day at 5 am.

This morning after I got up and dressed, it was pouring and I thought “Okay, crawl back into bed, you can’t go in this rain” I had a hundred reasons why that bed was calling to me and yet here I am on this dam treadmill yet again!
Yes, my guilty conscience got the best of me…”Remember that party Saturday night….the cruise is in 2 weeks…Christmas and all the parties are right around the corner…did you forget that really sexy new year’s eve dress you bought?” My head kept whispering to me….
“Uuggg okay, okay a little rain won’t kill me” and that is how I am here and not in my warm bed right now.

Yes, it sucks getting up at this time but sometimes we have to do what we don’t want to in life if we want the results. I hear it all the time “Oh must be nice to be so skinny”

My answer is “No, it’s not nice to get up every day at 4:30 am, to eat egg whites every day, hardly any carbs, nothing that taste good at all, running until my side’s hurt and every muscle in my body hurts from lifting weight day after day. Lets not forget knee injuries, shoulder pain and all over creeks from pounding the pavement year after year oh yes..so nice…tell me please, what part of that sounds so nice to you?”

Nothing comes easy in this world people, it takes hard work, determination and a never quit attitude, anyone can do this, hell anything becomes a habit after 21 days, you just have to drag your ass to 21 days and then it’s a piece of cake….okay low fat, no carbs, don’t taste good cake anyway, hey just being real here.

So today my friends remember nothing is easy and yes, even I want to throw the alarm through the window at 4:30 am, I know it takes hard work to achieve your goals and I am not a quitter so I will drag my ass out of the bed and on to this treadmill everyday to try to inspire and motivate all of you to never give up, to know that you can do anything you set your mind to and never stop believing anything is possible! Even if my head is screaming please don’t make me go to the gym!

“Be the change you want to see”

“And just when the caterpillar thought his life over…he turned into a beautiful butterfly”

***Now available***
My book The blessing in Disguise
Selling on my website:

Home

And on Amazon.com

http://www.am6azon.com/gp/aw/d/0692437398/ref=mp_s_a_1_12?qid=1434452632&sr=8-12&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=the+Blessing+in+Disguise

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Keeping the faith through the storms

Keeping the faith through the storms

I am a positive person, I am that glass is half full person and for the most part I am always like this but I am human and that part sometimes gets down, I yell out why me? When it feels like the world is coming at me.

I am a single mom, I work 3 jobs, I am up at 5 am and at the gym at 5:30 to get on this treadmill and write this blog. I sometimes don’t get home until 9 pm, I am tired all the time and I know my single moms can attest to this, it’s a tough life.

My oldest lost her job and I am now paying all her bills as well as helping out my younger one with stuff, I have to take care of my home, repairs and all the yard work.

This would put alot of stress on anyone and it has taken it’s toll on me, lately I am short, I have little patience and sometimes get angry more than I would normally.

But then life decides to throw more at you, just when your on the ledge and this week it did just that. Someone yet again stole my identity, my bank screwed up and paid my mortgage payment twice in one week and with the guy I work for falling behind way too much with paying me, it pushed me off the ledge, it was enough for me to lose it.

I cried, I cursed, I asked why? Didn’t I have enough crap in one lifetime? Where was my season everyone keeps telling me about and then to top it off I have no love life to speak of, no one to cry in their shoulder or talk about things to.
Not only that, it seems like every date I have is one from hell…now come on God what’s the deal?

Yes, I am Christian but that 2% like one of my girlfriend’s always says isn’t and so I doubt, I cry and I curse…sorry I am real and I tell it like it is.

I cried the whole time while on the phone trying to get my problems solved with the bank, the mortgage company, the creditors and the police. Yes, just what I wanted to deal with after a long week of pulling doubles every day…NOT!

When my brain finally turned into mush and my head hurt from crying, I went and took a long hot shower, did some more crying and had some beers before crying myself to sleep.

The following morning, when I awoke I started praying, I was going to give this to God because I could not handle this on my own. I was going to pray and let God worry, as this was too much for me.

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that things are coming for me, my season, the man God has for me, my New York Times best selling books, my international blog and my women of faith tour. Yes, I know God is going to cover me and my girls with favor beyond belief, just as he has done in the past.

I just have to hold on, I have to just believe, to have faith and know it’s coming on his time not mine.
I need to know the devil comes at you the hardest when your breakthrough is coming. This is just another knock down for me to overcome, to test my strength, my faith, this is a practice fight leading up to the heavy weigh title belt.

I know this is more test for my testimony, so I can praise his name even more, tell others of his goodness, even when I am crying so much I can’t see through the storms, even when I want to quit, I remember all he’s done for me and it gives me the strength to go on.

So today my friends, remember, yes, it’s bad right now, you may not be able to see through the clouds, things may be coming at you from all directions but don’t give up, cry, have a pity party, yell and scream, have a few drinks and sleep it off, for as God says in the bible

“For His anger is but for a moment,
His favor is for a lifetime;
Weeping may last for the night,
But a shout of joy comes in the morning”
(Psalm 30:5)

It will be alright in the morning, God’s got this, all we need to do is let go, have “crazy” faith like my Bishop Henry Fernandaz says and hold on tight…it will be alright.
Keep the faith through the storms….

“Be the change you want to see”

“And just when the caterpillar thought his life over…he turned into a beautiful butterfly”

***Now available***
My book The blessing in Disguise
Selling on my website:

Home

And on Amazon.com

http://www.am6azon.com/gp/aw/d/0692437398/ref=mp_s_a_1_12?qid=1434452632&sr=8-12&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=the+Blessing+in+Disguise

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It’s not my job to teach you how to act like a man

It’s not my job to teach you how to act like a man

Yesterday on my weekly phone call to my cousin, we happen to be talking about this, how men that aren’t grown expect you to teach them how to be men.

What I mean is that when he tells you “You should have asked or you should have told me”

Really?? I need to tell you to do the right thing? Like ask you to help me clean up after I cooked a nice dinner for you? Or maybe when we are seeing each other and I tell you I don’t have a ride home from the airport and you don’t offer one? So your telling me it was my fault that I didn’t ask you?

Or like a friend of mine who had a recent problem, her and her guy hadn’t gone out in while, he was good just laying on her couch, letting her cook for him…finally after months of this she was done and his response “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Why do we need to teach you how to act like a man, that’s crazy! You are a grown ass man, you should know this and if you don’t, there are plenty of books and YouTube videos out there to teach you.

Why is it we don’t need to told to do romantic things, to ask you after a hard day if we can rub your shoulders or if you want a drink to make you feel better. Why do we know the right things to say and do? Yes, we are women but that is no excuse in today’s world, oh please that is no excuse period!

If you care for someone,  really care, you do things for them, you stop doing things that hurt them, you want to see them smile and will go out of your way to make that happen.

I don’t need you to teach me to be a women, to go out of my way to buy a special nightie to excite you, or buy the shoes you find sexy or bake your favorite pie or if I have a free moment, to text you or call you, to tell you I am thinking of you…see your always on my mind…and I make sure you know that and feel that.

You will never have to ask, why? Because I want to please you, I want you to feel special all the time, I want you to feel like a king, that you never have to worry if I got your back, I will always have your back, you will never have to look behind you.

I will be your ride or die girl, I will be your biggest cheerleader, your biggest supporter, I will believe in you when no one else will, when everyone is coming at you, I will fight to the death for you.
You don’t need to “ask me or tell me” anything, I will be there in thick and thin.

I am not asking you to raise me, don’t expect me to raise you…
Men say there are no good women out there… well maybe if you learn how to treat them, if you grow up, you’d actually find a real women, not a girl who like you, still needs to grow up.

So today my friends remember, if you did the work on yourself, if you changed things that weren’t working, if you read books, went to seminars, if you took the time to make yourself a better person why are you still giving a pass to others who didn’t and then expect you to teach them or better yet blame you for their short comings…no….Grow up

Just like the K. Michelle song “Can’t raise a man”

“These are signs of a grown ass boy, better run for the hills, I’m just trying to keep it real”
It’s not my job to teach you how to act like a man

“Be the change you want to see”

“And just when the caterpillar thought his life over…he turned into a beautiful butterfly”

***Now available***
My book The blessing in Disguise
Selling on my website:

Home

And on Amazon.com

http://www.am6azon.com/gp/aw/d/0692437398/ref=mp_s_a_1_12?qid=1434452632&sr=8-12&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=the+Blessing+in+Disguise

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