The battle between my heart and my head

The battle between my heart and my head.

Sleep eludes me…. I toss and turn….
My head feels like it’s been spinning all night long. I wake and it as if you’re still with me, that we are still walking on the beach…
I still smell you… Thoughts cloud my judgement, am I dreaming? I can still hear your laughter in my ear, the way you looked at me, the way it was so natural to put your arm around me when we walked, the ease of you calling me beautiful yet again.

There is a battle between my head and my heart, each fighting until the death. My heart tells me one thing and my head screams another.
Yet, isn’t this is what you always wanted to hear? But can you believe this? Is there a something else that he wants? Is he telling the truth? Can you even decipher between the two of them?

You knew that you shouldn’t have met him, you knew that this only leads to trouble and heartbreak. How could you forget all the times you cried yourself to sleep, all the times you cursed his name, all the times he hurt you to the core yet just seeing him made you weak in the knees…made you forget everything that he’s done, all the fights you had.
This crazy unexplainable love that you feel for this man that somehow you can’t shake as much as you try, you can still feel that soul connection…when he’s in your presence you lose all control.

As much as you hate yourself for even remotely beleiving him…when he is standing there with your face in his hands, saying all the right words…. he missed you, he messed up and he wants a life with you. That he will do anything for another chance, that no one is you or could ever be you and how he has never been able to shake you and he’s willing and able to step up this time.

All the words if you’ve been longing to hear that you want to believe but how could you trust? How could you trust him you can’t even trust your own heart?

You so want to give him another chance, despite the fact of what all of your family and friends will say…
And your head spins yet again…
God….you thought you were done with all these feelings, that you moved on…and then here he is singing Charlie Wilson’s song Chills in your ear…and in a second your transported back to a being a teenager…”Got me feeling like a kid again…you give me chills”

I want to scream….I want off this ride…I can’t think, I can’t breathe…this battle goes on…I forget everyone else…
I pray for clarity but even if I get it will I listen? Will my head be able to take down my heart?
Am I strong enough for yet another heartbreak? Will I ever be able to recover from another one? All while thinking maybe he has changed…maybe his words are true….maybe this time…maybe…this time we will make this work…

I can’t think straight, my head is spinning and I am holding on for dear life…
I stand here waiting for the battle, the battle between my heart and head.

“Be the change you want to see”

“And just when the caterpillar thought his life over…he turned into a beautiful butterfly”

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