Tgif Treadmill Treats
The power of forgiveness
This week I have been writing alot about forgiveness so I figured I might as well end the week with one more.
Yesterday while I was talking to my cousin on the phone, she mentioned my blog about my best friend I wrote the other day (Yeah, I knew that was coming)
She wanted to know why I was letting her off the “hook” after all the crappie things she did to me? Why would I forgive her? Now in her eyes she off the hook, she doesn’t have to take responsibility for robbing me and all the other hurt she caused me.
My cousin was pissed, she is one of the few people in my life I can count on to have my back, so I knew she was saying this because she was coming from this place of love and concern for me and I am grateful for her and all of her concerns.
I told her it wasn’t about my best friend, it was for me, but she wasn’t haven’t any of it. “No, she doesnt get a free pass and you don’t have to apologize for writing about the hurt she caused you or for the fact none of your other “so called” friends that didn’t take a stand for what was obviously right and what she did, which was obviously wrong, yet none of them had the balls to back you or were even there for you in your time of need”
Oh, she was on a roll now and rightfully so but I am over all of it and tried again to explain my stand on this.
I told her about the time I was driving my new Mustang, the tee tops were off (Yes, this was the 80’s) the music was blasting, it was a beautiful spring day and I was truly happy until the moment I saw the man who raped me, my whole demeanor changed I became angry, I had such hatred in my heart, my body changed too, I was tense, my hands gripped the wheel like I was strangling him, everything changed in that one second.
All I wanted to do was jump the curb and run him and his sickening smiling face over and back up and run him over again!
He was walking out of a store with someone, he was laughing, not a care in the world, he obviously wasn’t thinking of me or the fact that I hated him or even cared if I hated him. No, he was living his life.
The only person this was effecting was me, he was ruining my life over and over again because I was letting him.
At that moment I knew I had to do something this was going on for 5 years, all this anger, resentment, hatred, it was eating ME alive, not him. I had to let it go or I was never going to move on with my life.
That day changed my life, I sat down and wrote him a six page letter. I poured my heart out, about how could he do this, he knew me, he knew I had just lost my dad, he took away my virginity, which he knew I was saving for my high school sweetheart, I spoke about the horrible abortion I had to go through, about all the hatred I felt for all these years. I spoke of my drug and alcohol addiction that this had caused me and the fact that I couldn’t trust anymore, this one event changed my whole life and it was all his fault.
Yes, I let it all go and when I was done I told him I forgave he, it didn’t make what he did to me okay, that was for him to live with, this was for me because I couldn’t love again until I let go of the hate and so I forgave him and I took back my life.
I never sent this letter this was for me as well, to put all my feelings in writing to see them and then let them go. I burnt the letter in a fire afterwards and just the the Phoenix I was reborn. (Maybe another reason I so wanted to walk on fire years later)
I know me and my cousin would never see eye to eye on this subject and its okay, we all have different opinions, we all believe in different things, that’s what makes the world go around.
I am grateful for her and the fact that she will always tell me like it is and that she always has my back and truly loves me.
I am happy with my decision and I am again at peace inside of me, wether or not she feels like she got off the hook, wether or not others walked away because I spoke out or didn’t come to my defense doesn’t matter, see God sometimes closes doors that need to be closed for your own good, not everyone gets to come for the whole ride. Its not about all of them, its about me and my life, always has been, always will be.
So today my friends, remember this is your life don’t go around with anger and hatred in your heart, let it go. Learn the lessons you are supposed to learn, forgive and then reval in the power of forgiveness.
“Be the change you want to see”
“And just when the caterpillar thought his life was over…he turned into a beautiful butterfly”
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