Your words no longer have any effect on me

For twenty four years I let your words effect my life, I let your words shape my life and my feelings. 

I let what you thought about me effect my every waking moment.


I so wanted to please you , I put my own feelings away to try to make you happy at the expense of my own happiness. 


I would have done anything for you and almost killed myself trying, for twenty four years I cried because I couldn’t figure out the magic potion to make you happy. 


How many times did I write in my journal,  dear god, what am I doing wrong? why can’t I make him happy ? 


Every thing I did was not right, I couldn’t cook right, clean right what was I stupid,  I heard a million times.


By the end I knew your rant per baton

 “how stupid are you? Do you know I am the bread winner in this house? You do nothing! Your useless!  You would be nothing without me! You can’t make it in your own, you’d be living in a box without me taking care of you”


Yes, hateful words that at one point brought me to my knees and cut me to my core. Words that I believed, that I thought were true and were me.


I had forgotten the strong, smart, independent women I once was. The women who could do anything and wasn’t afraid to try, when did I turn into this shell of a person? When did I turn over the power to someone else? 


When I let someones words effect me, that is when.


But now you fail to realize, I am no longer that scared, afraid, timid women anymore, No! I am strong, I know I can do anything, I know I no longer need anymore to take care of me, I am good, I know my worth, I don’t need validation from anyone because I love myself. 


Now your words no longer effect me, I realize that it is you that is small and petty, you need to built yourself up by putting others down to feel like a real man.


You need the world to see a fake life when the inside is falling apart, so that you can feel good.

You need to be in control of everything and everyone and if you can’t you mke people feel worthless, just to lift yourself up.


I realize this has always been your problem not mine, your issue that had nothing to do with me or how hard I tried or loved you, it would never be good enough for you. 


Your words no longer effect me, say what you want to now, I can hang up, I can walk away,  I know and I truly feel sorry for you as you will never be filled with the peace and joy I feel in my life because nothing is ever enough for you.


I know who I am… your words mean nothing to me.



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